I found today’s fic, Getting Into Character over at adultfanfiction.net and well, its pretty special.
Our author, JohnOconnor (why am I not at all surprised that a man [presumably] wrote this?) thought it would be a good idea to write a Scully/Tea Leoni fic that takes place during the events of The X-files episode Hollywood AD. This could have been an interesting concept, yes? Well not in the hands of JohnOConnor who admits that this is PWP which I’m fine with, PWP can be great fun, just not when it is this poorly written.
The basic plot:
Scully and Tea Leoni decide to spend some time together, Scully and Tea Leoni get it on (complete with hideous metaphors and less than attractive descriptions of body parts and functions.) Scully relates this experience to Reyes whom she is also sleeping with. The end.
Again, not that bad in and of itself.
However things start to go downhill :
“Have you ever…” Tea wiggled her eyebrows knowingly. She leaned over a bit and her robe parted slightly, exposing her cleavage.
“What… No! I mean…he’s not my type really. I, uh…” Dana realized she was staring at the other woman’s breasts. She jerked her eyes up to see Tea looking at her with a small smile on her face.
“What is your type?” Tea asked, standing up. “Something like this?” She loosened the robe’s belt and shrugged it off, standing naked before the stunned special agent.
Yep, very realistic that is.
And to top it off it is immediately followed by:
“You… You’re not…”
Noticing Dana’s gaze on her pubic area, Tea giggled, “No. Not a natural blonde. I just hide my roots better than most.”
Yep, because if a woman I barely knew stripped right in front of me I’d be worrying about whether the curtains match the drapes.
That exhange is closely followed by:
‘I can’t believe I’m kissing this beautiful actress. I can’t believe…’ Dana’s thoughts faded in her mind as her arousal grew geometrically.
Um what?
But none of that is as bad as:
Finally, they pulled apart slowly, reluctantly. Dana looked at the other woman and asked, “Are you sure? What about your husband?”
“David? He’s out of town. Anyway, he’s willing to let me explore my wild side. As long as I tell him all the details.” Tea kissed Dana again, her tongue welcomed by Dana.
“Now, let’s see about all these clothes…”
If I were David Duchovny (or Tea Leoni) for that matter and I read this I would be suing for libel right about now.
An the best bit is I haven’t even gotten to the sex yet, I’m going to leave most of it to the imagination/those brave enough to click on the link but this passage pretty much sums it up:
“Oh Dana. I’ve only begun,” the blonde said as her mouth blazed a trail down Dana’s slender body to the copper-colored fur pointing to the agent’s treasure.
“So pretty,” Tea muttered as she fingered the neatly trimmed thatch of hair. Her fingers move lower and pulled Dana’s mound open, saying “So beautiful…”
Could this be any less sexy?
“Enjoy” the fic, if you dare.
